I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize