I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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