Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
