sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
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