Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
