home. puking in laundry basket.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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