Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Randomize
