i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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