I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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