Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
