if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
