I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
