He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize