She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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