she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
