He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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