Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
