Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize