I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
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