The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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