so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
