new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
