I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
