i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
