I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
