Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
