Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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