hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i dont even know how to be here
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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