She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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