after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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