You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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