bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
