can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
