You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Ladies don't puke and tell
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
