Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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