I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
