I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
