She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
smell my finger.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Randomize
