And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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