he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
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