Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
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