you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
