Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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