I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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