Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
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