Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You left your phone here
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