i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
