last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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