when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
