he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Randomize
