now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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