I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
