Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
