All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
grandma shit on top of the toilet
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
