I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i dont even know how to be here
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
