Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Randomize