he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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