I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
