I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
