I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
