I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
