im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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