90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He? As in you personified your dick?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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