so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
