Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
